Today...

And by today I mean the last three hours.

My goodness I really enjoy Rob Pattinson.

I am turning into such an online stalker. These are kinda like the days where I was in love with Sean Biggerstaff (Oliver Wood on HP).

Gha.

I have been watching his video interviews and one was talking about how guys when they truly think that they are dicks, and then they meet someone they like that they feel a real connection with they think "Stop liking me" but they still hang out with them all the time and they thing "Stop I am going to ruin you!"

Mon Dieu that was an eye opener. 

I have gone back to thinking about Ryan a lot lately. I HATE IT.

I try to avoid it. I try to think of other people. But damn.

I was thinking about it and after some of the stuff that happened I think that he has thought that he has ruined me. Matt said "He says he feels like the devil or something"

Which explains why he is distancing himself.

Back to Robert Pattinson;

I was trying to figure out why I like him so much. Maybe it's because I am trying to prove to myself that if a guy who doesn't wash his hair and has a crappy car, can be absolutely adored, and can be relatively ok with himself, so can I.

Bha.

I am so sick of myself right now. I don't even know why all the time. I kind of feel like wallowing in my own self hate. Regardless I will get sick of it and temporarily change so i can feel better about myself for a little while. But ah. Whatever. I am tired.

Time for bed.

Here is the video. Watch it all if you have time, he is really fascinating. Warning: 15 min long!

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid301778988/bctid1906945203

Engagements and Invisible Children

Hmm...
Lately I have had this bad habit of not going to sleep until 3 or much later.
Let it be known that Dr.Pepper at 1 o'clock at night is a contributing factor to this.
My friend blair is engaged and I AM really happy for her. But it's just another reminder that I won't be engaged for a while. This doesn't depress me.
It just reaffirms that I need to have more patience in the matter.
This weekend has been a little more difficult for me. I have really started to miss Ryan. Just hanging out with him and having long philisophical conversations. I also missing having a strong love interest.
I am excited to go home :) Oh boy!! I am most excited to smell my house...may sound awkward but it's one of the most comforting things! Oh and my mom makes the most amazing rolls. She is wonderful, I can't wait to help her cook. I also get to see haley before she leaves, I am glad that I can catch her in time.
Well the time has come that I stop procrastinating and to put up my signs for my program tomorrow. I am dissapointed that it won't be as strong as I want it. I am going to put on the invisible children movie. I wanted it to be a bigger deal than it's going to be. It's something that means alot to me.
Ah well. Such is life. The things that I feel are important aren't ever important enough.

Une petite quenstonaire de moi

1) Does your myspa​ce passw​ord have to do with a guy?
Nope!

2) Are you a girly​ girl?​​
Sometimes. I don't really fit in a label.

3) Small​ or big purse​s?​​
I switch back and forth. 

4) Do you sleep​ in a bra?
Yup Tyra says it keeps my boobs perky.

5) Coach​ bag or NFL game ticke​ts?​​
Coach bag for sure, unless there is a hot guy taking me to the game!

6) Do you enjoy​ drama​?​​
Only the kind on stage.

7) Did you dress​ up on Hallo​ween?​​
Yeah, I wimped out I was Bella Cullen.

8) Do you call anybo​dy by their​ last name?​​
No...I don't think so.

9) Are you a Twilight fan​​?​​

Ya shh...

10) Do you wear makeu​p?​​
to some degree every day.

11) Can you put on masca​ra witho​ut openi​ng your mouth​?​​
yeah, but most of the time I just open it, it feels natural.

12) Have you ever been calle​d a bad influ​ence?​​
Only by Ryan and he doesn't count

13) Ameri​can Eagle​ or Holli​ster?​​
I shop at American Eagle more, but Hollister is ok

14) Heels​ or flats​?​​
Flats, when I wear heels it limits my dating pool.

15) Jeans​ or skirt​?​​
I wear jeans, but I like wearing skirts.

16) Heels​ or sneak​ers?​​
I like sneakers, heals are a pain, but they are so cute.

17) Strai​ght or curly​ hair?​​
I prefer straight, but sometimes I like having crazy curls

18) Do you prefe​r light​ or dark haire​d guys?​​
The tendency seems to be dark, but whatever he looks good with is fine with me.

19) do you have a best frien​d?​​
Ya, Stace, Riss, and Andy

20) Have you ever thoug​ht of havin​g plast​ic surge​ry?​​
I want my teeth fixed, and maybe eyebrow implants.

21) Do you like your life?​​
Ya somedays I like it more than others.

22) Ever walke​d into the guy'​​s bathr​oom?​​
Joe pushed me in one once.

23) Have you ever jumpe​d in the pool with your cloth​es on?
I have jumped into a pond!

24) Have you ever slapp​ed a boy in the face?​​
Uhh, not that I can remember if I did I was just joking.

25) Have you ever cried​ yours​elf to sleep​?​​
I have, no fun!

26) have you ever not been able to get someo​ne out of your mind?​​
Ugh...frequently!​

IN A BOY:

1) Cowbo​y or gangs​ter?​​
Neither really, I would take a cowboy way before I would take a gangster.

2) Prepp​y or Punk Goth
Ugh..so many stereotypes. I don't like it when guys wear more makeup than me.

3) Well-​​educa​ted or Dropo​ut?​​
I like guys that are intelligent and mentally stimulating. 

4) Conta​cts or Glass​es?​​

Glasses can be cute but I really like eyes and I can see them better when they wear contacts

5) Funny​ or Serio​us?​​
I like someone who knows how to use both at the right time.

6) Roman​tic or Dare devil​?​​
I like it when a guy has both.

7) Cute or Hot?
Handsome

8) Long or short​ hair?​​
Whatever looks good on them, I love the surfer swish.

9) Baseb​all or Hocke​y Guys?​
Hockey for sure!!

10) Good singe​r or good dance​r?​​
I want someone who can sing to me, and I will teach them how to dance.

11) Smoke​r or non-​​smoke​r?​​
Non-smoker, smoking is disgusting. 

Friends, Dr. Pepper, & Orange Buttons <3

Today was a pretty pleasant day. 

I really love this new little group of friends. I know part of the reason why I love modeling so much is because I just get to be pretty and hang out with them. Chase is still making fun of me for falling of the tread mill last night. While the actual event itself was really hilarious I find it way more entertaining that he laughs every time you refer to anything related to the topics of running, dancing, or tread mills.  I did a shoot today where I got to be a 1950's house wife and I poisoned Zack's pie, some pics turned out really cute!

Ryan texted me today with an apology. I felt rude not saying anything back, so I did eventually. I just don't feel ready to have him in my life again. I feel pretty solid in my beliefs and my self esteem. But he is a wild character and has found new ways to effect me before.  I am mostly disappointed in his dishonesty. Ever since the beginning of our friendship I valued him for his honesty. It's sad that I don't feel that I can trust him anymore.

However, Katy called me for a vent session. It meant a lot to me. I felt like she really opened up to me. I love it when that happens. I love it when people can trust me. Any doubts or fears of her pursuing her own goals in spite of my feelings have vanished. 

I watched the video from the skit at the beginning of the year, and I can definitely see where I lost the 20lbs! I am not too upset about getting that big, I am just going to try and be more aware of what I look like, I didn't realize how big I had gotten. It kinda crept up on me slowly. But I am not going to dwell. I am just going to try and keep losing weight and hopefully I can say the same thing about myself now. 

I have an addiction to Dr.Pepper. It's aweful. I love it so much. I get horrible horrible cravings for it. I think if I drink water instead and if I ditch pop all together, I am sure I will lose more weight. :) haha and if I keep running on tread mills. 

I am now transitioning into the hard level of Guitar Hero. It's tough and I fail sometimes. But I am excited to look cool shreddin on the orange button!

Along the journey to enlightenment..

Well. I feel so exhausted lately. I have been sleeping weird hours. 

This blog might not make much sense.

I have been thinking so much about life and how I fit in it. 

More like how I want to live it. How I want to live with myself.

I have realized that I want someone like Robert Pattinson because I want to be like him.

Someone who is comfortable with them self no matter what.

He knows who he is and I want to know who I am.

I enjoy things that I like. And I either fix or learn to live with the things I don't like.

I don't want to be defined by what I enjoy, but I don't want to say that they aren't a part of who I am.

I was thinking about it and I don't want to be so effected events around me. But I don't want to be so apathetic I hinder those around me and eventually limit my own growth. I have concluded that my own worth is not dictated by anything I or anyone else does. The Savior Jesus Christ says that I am priceless, and I believe Him. But I am not going to make myself to be more than I am.

When I don't like something about myself I will fix it. I believe in growth and change. So instead of my own perception of my value fluctuating radically, it will just be a steady stream of self acceptance. I don't want to ignore life's up and downs and not find joy or sorrow. I don't want to lie to myself and say that everything is peachy keen or that life sucks.

Honestly life is a collection of experiences good and bad. I am willing to see both and take them for what they are. I will find pleasure in the good things of my life, and learn from the bad things. Nothing more, nothing less. I am tired of constant up and downs in my life. 

It felt like I was being dragged along a road with mountains and valley. So i decided instead of being pulled along by a car where the driver changed with the guy I was currently into, I decided to shove him out and drive the damn car myself. I will drive the road and go as fast as I want, I will take the corners with as much grace or as much roughness as I please. 

I am not going to say I am a happy person, because sometimes I am not. If I did I would fell tied to a label that I would have to live by and then I would have to put on a mask when I was upset or angry. No, I am human. I go through a wide range of emotions, especially right before Aunt Flo comes to town.

I am still ironing out a few details but essentially I have learned to come to self acceptance. I am going to be cheesie and say;

 "Remember who you are!" 

which I know doesn't sound as good coming from me as it does coming from an animated lion spirit. But it's true. Just remember yourself and your own worth in this world. And in the words of the master of self reflection, Shakespeare; 

 "This above all to thine own self be true"

Rob Pattinson is a lovely person

The other day I went through this really weird trance where I just watched a bunch of Twilight interviews. Call me a cliche teenager but I have my reasons.

One being that I like to behinds the scenes interviews with actors, because I did theatre all through high school and I wished that I would have taken it more seriously. So I love hearing stories about what it's like to act professionally. 

And Two,that I was mostly fascinated with the man who was playing Edward. Not because he is personifying one of the more glorious characters of literature, but because he himself is intriguing. Here is why I cyber stalked him for a day straight;

• When I first read an article I was just extremely shocked to find him really non-egotistical after all the attention he is getting. I read somewhere that he said it was hard for him to watch himself on screen. 
  
• Another Article said that he was giving an interview when he was in his hotel and he had holey slippers on and all he had in his fridge were some pepperoni hot pockets! He also drove the interviewer in his shabby car and joked about it breaking down.
  
• He also really gets to know the character he is playing and spends alot of time really contemplating and finding the character without losing himself. 
  
• He also reads a lot of books and would reccomend them to cast members.
  
• He admits that he doesn't always know about himself or what he is going to do in the future.
  
• He has a similar tooth problem to mine but a lot less drastic.
• He is pretty honest and says stuff that most people wouldn't admit on interviews.
• He feels a need to talk a lot but stumbles sometimes. Which I think is adorable.
• He is so freaking hilarious!
• He is really relaxed and has a realistic view on things (at least on the movie business

This really doesn't matter because I will never meet him, nor will I ever have a relationship, and this is all based off of a very small part of who he actually is. But here is why I found it profound; it made me see what I was looking for in someone.

So I want someone:

Intellegent

Humble

Deep 

Relaxed

Low Maintenance 

Realistic

Funny

And a part time Vampire :)

I am getting over Face slowly but surely.

Ok.

So I have this nasty terrible habit of being really negative. I would like to vent quickly and get it off my chest.

1.Damn Ryan.

I hate that I still give him this kind of power over me. It's hard for me to not talk or think about him all the time. God bless Andy and many others that have had to listen to me swoon and gripe over him. However,I would like to say that it hurts me way more than I would like to admit that he is sooo close to Katy. I keep trying to figure out where I come up short. 

Is it my hair?

My smile? ( I do have ridiculous teeth)

Was I too nice?

Too Clingy?

I worked so hard for 2 months not trying to rush into a friendship and she sweeps in and carries him away from me. The good person inside me wants to believe that she will be a good friend. The other part of me, who is a cynical survivor believes she is only being my friend so that she can encourage me to get over Ryan so she can have him all to herself. Well I can thank him for encouraging my cynical look on life. I feel betrayed.

2. Pride

Thanks to my lovely Ryan dilemma I have been thrown into philosophical roller coaster. In the midst of my screaming over the first hill I realized that I was ok and buckled in. So now I am trying to figure out the rest of the roller coaster and be able to prep myself for the next big hill. In my lit class we have been discussing pride, the heart of tragedy. Without it, one cannot accomplish greatness, because believing in yourself is the key to success. However, when one has too much that is where they fall in their greatness. So I have been trying to find out where I fit. I am trying not to belittle myself in my thoughts. While trying not to make myself seem better in my own eyes than I really am. I just need to accept myself for who I am. Strengths and weaknesses.

So that's about all that's really bothering me. Besides my lack of spirituality. I prayed for the first time in weeks last night. It felt so good. It felt like home.  I really am a spiritual person. I feel sad and empty without it. I need to remember how much I love God.

Things that are making me happy as of yet;

-Twilight comes out soon  I have been watching interviews with Rob Pattinson, I find him really great. I feel like I could get along easily with him. He is intelligent, funny, and charming. I will devote a whole other blog to that.

-Andy Gann is such a wonderful friend. She is just so patient and kind with me and is really protective of me. She helps me see myself for who I am, which is a good person. She keeps me sane!

-I finally got some pictures printed off for Philip! Ah. it's taken forever. I am really excited to send them to him. But they are huge and I will have to buy a huge envelope so they will fit! I am going to try and overnight it!

-I have gone to ALL of my classes lately. And it hasn't been half bad, I kinda enjoy it. I have motivation to do school work again it's really nice. 

-Ryan's friend Matt is really great. He makes me happy! I really want him to come visit Ryan so I can hang with him!

Ok that's all for now, I am going to write a blog about why Rob Pattinson is so great. 

This blog is so long already. I am amazing at making things long an drawn out!

Good Morning!

This is just another diversion of mine to avoid my english paper.

Rather peculiar considering I am writing to avoid writing.

Welcome to my life; nonsensical and irrational to avoid the inevitable.

It's snowing outside. I have mixed feelings about that. I find it comforting when I am inside. However when I am outside and it's blowing really hard, I hate it. 

I am tired.

And rambling.

It's a common condition for me.