Pessimism at its best

What is it that keeps me holding on?
It's Sunday, and I have a week ahead of me. A week I'm very much dreading. There are many problems I must address. That I don't think I have the power to fix. At least not immediately. Normally at times when I lay in bed and I can no longer distract myself from the problems that float to the surface of my conscience, I pray to God. Pleading for guidance and comfort from the all-powerful, assuming the creator of space and time cares about my over due bills. I normally spend half the time apologizing for getting myself into the mess in the first place, like God is somehow my mother, who begrudgingly cleans up my messes. I will say this about my thoughts on God, I have accepted that s/he/it is not subjective to my ever limited thoughts and feelings of the nature of God. So, as I lay in bed seeking comfort, God may or may not hear me, and may or may not respond. To be honest I don't look to see if there is a response. Lately I don't ask anymore.
Tonight as I go to bed. Once again looking towards the future, that seems to hold endless suffering, I don't seek comfort. I have nothing to comfort me.
By the time I have given up talking to God I normally seek comfort in the form of perspective comfort. I normally lull myself to sleep with thoughts of that one man will love me. That will hold me perfectly as I drift to sleep, and be there to provide support without constraining my independence.
All this, because the last thing I want is to be alone with nothing but my problems to keep me company.
All this, because the last person I trust is myself.
I don't trust myself to see God and Truth accurately. I don't trust myself to be a strong healthy individual in a relationship. Most importantly I don't trust my ability to solve my own problems.
I have lost all hope in myself. Which makes me wonder why am I still here? I tell you, I've been slowly fading away, trying to disappear.
What would it be to believe in myself? To make my environment a product of me, rather than being product of my environment? Would I be happy? Would my problems go away? Would the people around me be happier? Would I really make a difference?
That's really what it comes down to. Am I going to make a difference?
If not. Then why am I here? If I am not here to change something, then there was no point to existing. The world would have done fine without me. It will do fine without me.
I hope I am not too bold in saying that if there is a God, s/he/it created me with a purpose to change. To be able to change myself, and to change the world around me.
Maybe that's what's keeping me holding on, I need to know; Can I do it? Can I change?