Pessimism at its best

What is it that keeps me holding on?
It's Sunday, and I have a week ahead of me. A week I'm very much dreading. There are many problems I must address. That I don't think I have the power to fix. At least not immediately. Normally at times when I lay in bed and I can no longer distract myself from the problems that float to the surface of my conscience, I pray to God. Pleading for guidance and comfort from the all-powerful, assuming the creator of space and time cares about my over due bills. I normally spend half the time apologizing for getting myself into the mess in the first place, like God is somehow my mother, who begrudgingly cleans up my messes. I will say this about my thoughts on God, I have accepted that s/he/it is not subjective to my ever limited thoughts and feelings of the nature of God. So, as I lay in bed seeking comfort, God may or may not hear me, and may or may not respond. To be honest I don't look to see if there is a response. Lately I don't ask anymore.
Tonight as I go to bed. Once again looking towards the future, that seems to hold endless suffering, I don't seek comfort. I have nothing to comfort me.
By the time I have given up talking to God I normally seek comfort in the form of perspective comfort. I normally lull myself to sleep with thoughts of that one man will love me. That will hold me perfectly as I drift to sleep, and be there to provide support without constraining my independence.
All this, because the last thing I want is to be alone with nothing but my problems to keep me company.
All this, because the last person I trust is myself.
I don't trust myself to see God and Truth accurately. I don't trust myself to be a strong healthy individual in a relationship. Most importantly I don't trust my ability to solve my own problems.
I have lost all hope in myself. Which makes me wonder why am I still here? I tell you, I've been slowly fading away, trying to disappear.
What would it be to believe in myself? To make my environment a product of me, rather than being product of my environment? Would I be happy? Would my problems go away? Would the people around me be happier? Would I really make a difference?
That's really what it comes down to. Am I going to make a difference?
If not. Then why am I here? If I am not here to change something, then there was no point to existing. The world would have done fine without me. It will do fine without me.
I hope I am not too bold in saying that if there is a God, s/he/it created me with a purpose to change. To be able to change myself, and to change the world around me.
Maybe that's what's keeping me holding on, I need to know; Can I do it? Can I change?

Jay Row

God in his utmost genius, finds the most creative ways to get His message to me. This is because I can't seem to take the time to listen to Him. His medium of choice tonight? A playlist I made for a friend.
I created it in the hopes to warm him up to some of my favorite music. And for some reason I mindlessly clicked on this playlist. All 43 songs are some of my utmost favorites, and take me back to different times in my life.
When I hear them it takes me to who I used to be. Which has only shown me how much I have grown and how much I have gone through.
At this point I feel like I have been hurt so deeply by so many people that there is nothing that can hurt me. As of most recently,  all my psychological will power has been tested. It takes everything that I have inside of me to stay positive and forgiving. Not only to others but to myself as well.


My emotions are like the waves of the sea. They come i swells. At times I feel like I can barely keep afloat. At others I feel like I am lost in the vast ocean unable to tell where I am; losing all sense of reference. When a wave crashes down on me I have to fight to save myself from drowning.
This playlist gives me hope. It reminds me that I have gone through such things before, and at a lesser state of mind. God is wonderful for reminding me of this.
All the while His message has stayed the same: You are mine.
Continually He blocks my path to men. Even just little things. He will allow no sense of comfort. At times it's hard to remember that it's His hand doing this. I feel so rejected and unwanted. But I know this is God calling me to Him.
He wants me to forget about men for a while. Easier said than done. Well, God I will have to rise to your challenge

It's over.

  And I am not that person anymore. Turning through the old pages of my year book I winced when I saw my picture.  I was grounded from using makeup because I had borrowed my mom's without asking. She has a knack for nasty yet appropriate punishments. My kids will someday look through my freshman year book and will see me as so; crooked oval glasses, blotchy skin, eybrowless face, and hair pulled into some tragic attempt at pigtail buns. Did I mention that I couldn't use my straightener or my blow dryer? (Please note as horrifying as that was, I still use her make up without asking...the stubborn contest never ends).
  I couldn't help but look up my old classmates on facebook. Surprised to find some still in Evanston. Most others had typically gone to UT or UW still best friends with their high school BFFs. I held my breath as I found one guy I had completely forgotten about. I had always had an inkling of a crush on him, he was cute and smart, and pretty mature for high school. I let out a sigh of relief as I saw that he was off in college somewhere instead of stuck here in the pit hole.
  I know it's probably kind of creepy, but we all facebook stalk people at some point. All these familiar faces reminded me of what it felt like when I was in high school. It was a terrible feeling. Not as bad as middle school, where I had lost all sense of who I was. It was like I was back again. It felt so disgusting. Like putting on dirty smelly underwear after taking a shower.
  My mom told me today that I look for guys with a lot of confidence because I hardly have any. That stung. I feel like I had come a long way as far as confidence was concerned. When I think of myself now and struggles I have gone through, be it heart breaks, failures, losses. I see myself in completely different light. I am ashamed of how badly I wanted to fit in during high school. I tried so hard not to be different. During middle school I had tried to bury who i was deep deep inside. It got better and better as the years progressed, but I was miserable trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. This time it was a church.
  We all see that didn't work out well. I like to think that now I have a solid base, and I can thank Jesus Christ for that. It wasn't until this summer, when I searched and searched for Him in everything, that I found my rock. I found the absolute truth: God wants me right here, as I am in this moment. Not as the person I would be eventually, not the person I was before I came to this earth. He wanted me imperfections and all.
  While at times I still struggle to remember who I am, who I want to be, and finding the motivation to do so, I still feel so much better than I did in high school. Men are no longer my foundation, they are, however, catalysts for self improvement.
  I feel so much more peace and understanding. I accept that I make mistakes, and that I am going to keep making them. God has shown me that I don't need to be anxious about anything. I used to lay in bed worrying, with quiet words he led me into his comfort and I knew that I wouldn't ever have to fear.
 I am happy that high school is over forever.

Captivating

I want to tell you how beautiful you are, In such a true and unforgettable way, That you will never doubt it again. It will be as though through the lens of, the poem you will suddenly see: yourself. Truly the whole of you, naked.


It will be as though you are walking alone, In the woods when a great blue heron lifts, Into the air, or a single wild orchid blooms, Or the moon shines down on still water, And it is enough. Your heart stops. You are left grateful, simply for being alive.


It will be your own beauty this time, Taking you so suddenly and by surprise, The mysterious beauty of your entire life, Carefully inscribed in your body.


It will be as though the poem becomes, Your dream lover, caresses your skin, With absolute tenderness, lights up, With its touch every cell in your body, Enters you with a gasp of astonished, Desire, plunges deep into the secret, At the center of who you are. -River Malcolm

Well, Tiara, what do you want from your life?

I want understanding and knowledge.
I want to see the world and experience people.
I want to play music.
I want to see life for it's beauty.
I want to help people.
I want to love. Myself. Others. Life.
I want independence to make my own choices.
I want to have a deep relationship with God.
I want to create who I am.
I want to have an education and a job that love .
I want to find my security in Jesus.
I want to enjoy my body for the rest of my life.
I want to create beautiful things.
I want to be intelligent.
I want to fight for what is important to me.
I want to have the courage to face the things that scare me.
I want to make decisions on more than just a passing moment.
I want to mean what I say.
I want happiness.
I want my friends to come to me for rest.
I want to live in Portland.
I want to travel to every continent.
I want to speak another language fluently.
I want to enjoy life.

God is amazing. I am so glad he blessed me with such amazing friends who would love me and remind me that everything will be ok. The buzz and warmth of the heater, Iron and Wine sounding in my laptop speakers. It feels good. This sense of comfort. This safe place that God made for me.
There are so many beautiful things in this world;
Pumpkin roasted coffee beans
Girls who understand and have the same weakness for men
More colors found in a candy store than a prism
Watching a beautiful guy cheer leading the Mcdonald's workers.
Finally finding out the name of the untitled song on your playlist.

And bow to the applauding crowd. I am a class act failure.

this will be the condemning momentary lapse of judgment.
God damn my heart.