Jay Row

God in his utmost genius, finds the most creative ways to get His message to me. This is because I can't seem to take the time to listen to Him. His medium of choice tonight? A playlist I made for a friend.
I created it in the hopes to warm him up to some of my favorite music. And for some reason I mindlessly clicked on this playlist. All 43 songs are some of my utmost favorites, and take me back to different times in my life.
When I hear them it takes me to who I used to be. Which has only shown me how much I have grown and how much I have gone through.
At this point I feel like I have been hurt so deeply by so many people that there is nothing that can hurt me. As of most recently,  all my psychological will power has been tested. It takes everything that I have inside of me to stay positive and forgiving. Not only to others but to myself as well.


My emotions are like the waves of the sea. They come i swells. At times I feel like I can barely keep afloat. At others I feel like I am lost in the vast ocean unable to tell where I am; losing all sense of reference. When a wave crashes down on me I have to fight to save myself from drowning.
This playlist gives me hope. It reminds me that I have gone through such things before, and at a lesser state of mind. God is wonderful for reminding me of this.
All the while His message has stayed the same: You are mine.
Continually He blocks my path to men. Even just little things. He will allow no sense of comfort. At times it's hard to remember that it's His hand doing this. I feel so rejected and unwanted. But I know this is God calling me to Him.
He wants me to forget about men for a while. Easier said than done. Well, God I will have to rise to your challenge

It's over.

  And I am not that person anymore. Turning through the old pages of my year book I winced when I saw my picture.  I was grounded from using makeup because I had borrowed my mom's without asking. She has a knack for nasty yet appropriate punishments. My kids will someday look through my freshman year book and will see me as so; crooked oval glasses, blotchy skin, eybrowless face, and hair pulled into some tragic attempt at pigtail buns. Did I mention that I couldn't use my straightener or my blow dryer? (Please note as horrifying as that was, I still use her make up without asking...the stubborn contest never ends).
  I couldn't help but look up my old classmates on facebook. Surprised to find some still in Evanston. Most others had typically gone to UT or UW still best friends with their high school BFFs. I held my breath as I found one guy I had completely forgotten about. I had always had an inkling of a crush on him, he was cute and smart, and pretty mature for high school. I let out a sigh of relief as I saw that he was off in college somewhere instead of stuck here in the pit hole.
  I know it's probably kind of creepy, but we all facebook stalk people at some point. All these familiar faces reminded me of what it felt like when I was in high school. It was a terrible feeling. Not as bad as middle school, where I had lost all sense of who I was. It was like I was back again. It felt so disgusting. Like putting on dirty smelly underwear after taking a shower.
  My mom told me today that I look for guys with a lot of confidence because I hardly have any. That stung. I feel like I had come a long way as far as confidence was concerned. When I think of myself now and struggles I have gone through, be it heart breaks, failures, losses. I see myself in completely different light. I am ashamed of how badly I wanted to fit in during high school. I tried so hard not to be different. During middle school I had tried to bury who i was deep deep inside. It got better and better as the years progressed, but I was miserable trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. This time it was a church.
  We all see that didn't work out well. I like to think that now I have a solid base, and I can thank Jesus Christ for that. It wasn't until this summer, when I searched and searched for Him in everything, that I found my rock. I found the absolute truth: God wants me right here, as I am in this moment. Not as the person I would be eventually, not the person I was before I came to this earth. He wanted me imperfections and all.
  While at times I still struggle to remember who I am, who I want to be, and finding the motivation to do so, I still feel so much better than I did in high school. Men are no longer my foundation, they are, however, catalysts for self improvement.
  I feel so much more peace and understanding. I accept that I make mistakes, and that I am going to keep making them. God has shown me that I don't need to be anxious about anything. I used to lay in bed worrying, with quiet words he led me into his comfort and I knew that I wouldn't ever have to fear.
 I am happy that high school is over forever.

Captivating

I want to tell you how beautiful you are, In such a true and unforgettable way, That you will never doubt it again. It will be as though through the lens of, the poem you will suddenly see: yourself. Truly the whole of you, naked.


It will be as though you are walking alone, In the woods when a great blue heron lifts, Into the air, or a single wild orchid blooms, Or the moon shines down on still water, And it is enough. Your heart stops. You are left grateful, simply for being alive.


It will be your own beauty this time, Taking you so suddenly and by surprise, The mysterious beauty of your entire life, Carefully inscribed in your body.


It will be as though the poem becomes, Your dream lover, caresses your skin, With absolute tenderness, lights up, With its touch every cell in your body, Enters you with a gasp of astonished, Desire, plunges deep into the secret, At the center of who you are. -River Malcolm