It's over.

  And I am not that person anymore. Turning through the old pages of my year book I winced when I saw my picture.  I was grounded from using makeup because I had borrowed my mom's without asking. She has a knack for nasty yet appropriate punishments. My kids will someday look through my freshman year book and will see me as so; crooked oval glasses, blotchy skin, eybrowless face, and hair pulled into some tragic attempt at pigtail buns. Did I mention that I couldn't use my straightener or my blow dryer? (Please note as horrifying as that was, I still use her make up without asking...the stubborn contest never ends).
  I couldn't help but look up my old classmates on facebook. Surprised to find some still in Evanston. Most others had typically gone to UT or UW still best friends with their high school BFFs. I held my breath as I found one guy I had completely forgotten about. I had always had an inkling of a crush on him, he was cute and smart, and pretty mature for high school. I let out a sigh of relief as I saw that he was off in college somewhere instead of stuck here in the pit hole.
  I know it's probably kind of creepy, but we all facebook stalk people at some point. All these familiar faces reminded me of what it felt like when I was in high school. It was a terrible feeling. Not as bad as middle school, where I had lost all sense of who I was. It was like I was back again. It felt so disgusting. Like putting on dirty smelly underwear after taking a shower.
  My mom told me today that I look for guys with a lot of confidence because I hardly have any. That stung. I feel like I had come a long way as far as confidence was concerned. When I think of myself now and struggles I have gone through, be it heart breaks, failures, losses. I see myself in completely different light. I am ashamed of how badly I wanted to fit in during high school. I tried so hard not to be different. During middle school I had tried to bury who i was deep deep inside. It got better and better as the years progressed, but I was miserable trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. This time it was a church.
  We all see that didn't work out well. I like to think that now I have a solid base, and I can thank Jesus Christ for that. It wasn't until this summer, when I searched and searched for Him in everything, that I found my rock. I found the absolute truth: God wants me right here, as I am in this moment. Not as the person I would be eventually, not the person I was before I came to this earth. He wanted me imperfections and all.
  While at times I still struggle to remember who I am, who I want to be, and finding the motivation to do so, I still feel so much better than I did in high school. Men are no longer my foundation, they are, however, catalysts for self improvement.
  I feel so much more peace and understanding. I accept that I make mistakes, and that I am going to keep making them. God has shown me that I don't need to be anxious about anything. I used to lay in bed worrying, with quiet words he led me into his comfort and I knew that I wouldn't ever have to fear.
 I am happy that high school is over forever.